My list of 100 things...

My list of 100 things...

1. I am married to the most beautiful woman in the world
2. I am not the only person on earth who thinks so
3. I love sports
4. NASCAR isn't a sport ... fits right in with professional wrestling just more expensive
5. I love most animals
6. I trust none of them
7. I hate snakes, spiders, and only like sharks in movies where they eat people
8. I don't like to swim in the ocean
9. I have lived in the Green Mountains, the White Mountains, the Appalachian Mountains, the Smokey Mountains, and I have visited the Rocky Mountains and the Sierra Nevadas.
10. I don't like flat states too much
11. I don't like tornados but I like movies about them
12. I like volcanos, but I don't like movies about them
13. I am a conservative Republican - but I am a budding environmentalist
14. I've been published
15. No, you've never read me before
16. Oops - I guess I just lied ... something I did with frequency, determination, and skill as a teenager (but only to my parents)
17. I bleed orange
18. I love the Red Sox
19. the yankees? see #18... and no, I've NEVER capitalized the "y" word, even if it meant getting points off for spelling in school. You think I'm kidding ...
20. Green Monsters rock - Wally, Oscar, you name it ... oh yeah, Elmo too - he has Red Sox
21. The Cubs will not win a World Series in my lifetime
22. Contrary to popular belief, Pat Summitt is one of the sweetest ladies you could ever meet and Peyton Manning isn't boring at all. I know ... I've met them.
23. Peyton Manning went to school with me
24. My two best friends are both at least 6 foot 4 inches tall.
25. I'm a little shorter than that
26. I thoroughly enjoy cartography - my third choice as a profession
27. Choice #2 was to be a fighter pilot
28. I open doors for women because I respect them
29. I still love video games (see picture) and have been called a "vidiot" by my own mother

30. My Dad was an Olympic class skiier - but chose to serve his country and have a family instead of pursuing an athletic career

31. I will never forget either of these choices - they revolutionized my viewpoint of myself as an athlete, a man, and a father

32. I once hit 33 NBA three-pointers in a row

33. My favorite NBA player was Larry Bird ... #33

34. I have been schooled by a female college hoops player

35. I'd rather hit a jumpshot in someone's face than dunk

36. I am a good shot blocker (aka "I am a skilled metalworker")

37. I have a vivid imagination

38. I'm kinda competitive

39. My family and close friends are laughing their heads off right now

40. I am an avid golfer ... but I stink at golf

41. My golf buddy is my banker ... but I don't mind beating him

42. I have golfed in February in New Hampshire, in June in North Carolina, in 12 consecutive months in Tennessee and in the following conditions: snow, rain, sleet, hail, lightning, 50 mph winds, and 45 minutes after sunset.

43. I believe car alarms are completely useless ... but both my cars have them

44. I believe seatbelts are second only to the Bible in saving lives

45. I have contributed to the delinquency of a minor - and I am related to him

46. I have broken the law and been forgiven for doing it

47. I love animated movies and VeggieTales

48. I have a receding hairline that is 50% genetics and 50% veterinary school

49. I love and quote 2 Kings 2:23-24 on a regular basis

50. I used to love to read in my free time

51. Veterinary school is an effective antidote for this hobby

52. I have traveled to Honduras to treat human patients

53. Real doctors treat more than one species

54. Two of my closest friends are physicians

5. I know someone who got 1600 on their SATs - she is in college at age 16

56. I only got 1390 on mine (or so I was told - I forgot!)

57. I think most of my worldly possessions have been either bought or sold on ebay ... including most of my clothes, a car, all of my golf equipment, 95% of my video game/computer stuff, and LOTS of toys

58. Canadians are lousy ebayers

59. I've never been issued a traffic citation of any kind

60. I speed regularly (but don't tell my brother-in-law)

61. My favorite drink is Dr. Pepper... and it has nothing to do with me being "Dr. P" at work

62. I love to fly and I have always wanted to skydive

63. I am afraid of heights

64. Cyrano de Bergerac is my favorite character from classic literature ... the Count of Monte Cristo is a close second

65. I love a good revenge flick

66. Calvin and Hobbes have no equal

67. I hate bratty kids

68. I have been involved in breaking four Guinness Book of World Records records

69. Cutaneous histiocytomas, mast cell tumors, and traumatic diaphragmatic hernias are really cool

70. Cancer really isn't cool ... it sucks pond slime

71. I make my best medical decisions when I am half asleep or treating an emergency case

72. Two items NEVER to economize on: shoes and beds ... we spend 3/4 of our lives in one or the other

73. Weird Al Yankovic is a genius and should get a Grammy for Lifetime Achievement

74. I am NOT one of the ten most intelligent people I know well

75. My IQ is kinda high

76. There is a very short list of men I would trust my family's lives with in an instant and without hesitation: my fathers, Uncle George, Uncle John McG, Chiroman, Dr. John, Dick Brown, my cousin Eric, Dr. Matt, Tab Jordan, and any of my 3 brothers-in-law

77. I have been addicted to pornography

78. God forgiveness and healing are bigger than any sin problem you can conjure, concoct, commit, or conceal

79. I prescribe Valium, narcotics, anti-depressants, tranquilizers, sedative/hypnotics, and anti-psychotic drugs on a regular basis

80. I have never taken any of them

81. I have given over 200,000 injections in my career

82. I hate needles

83. I have faster reflexes than any dog on earth ... and slower ones than any cat's

84. Getting kicked by a horse doesn't hurt all that much

85. Getting kicked by a cow hurts like a bugger

86. <-- years between World Series wins for the Red Sox, the year of their last World Series appearance before that, and also the number of combined runs scored by the Red Sox and yanks in the ALCS in 2004 when Boston became the first MLB team ever to win a series when down 3 games to none.

87. If Ted Williams didn't serve in World War II nobody would be talking about Barry Bonds because the home run record would be completely out of reach

88. I only know one man who takes his baseball team anywhere near as serious as I take mine

89. If I could ask God to change me, I would ask for: half the artistic ability that my cousin Eric has, one-fourth the compassion of the Nancys (Brown and Sleeth), a taste of Solomon's wisdom, ALL of the patience of Job ... and about 5 more inches in height.

90. I am borderline obsessive-compulsive

91. I think that Despair, Inc. and the Demotivators are hilarious

92. I can sit down and watch The Truman Show, The Mask, or Bruce Almighty over and over again ... but I do not consider myself a Jim Carrey fan

93. I can find at least one piece of music that I like in any genre you can name

94. My favorite song is “500 Miles” by the Proclaimers (and SCC)

95. I fell in love with my wife at first sight - before we'd even spoken a word to each other

96. Contrary to a still-circulating story from my teenage years - I have never told a woman that I loved her while also telling another the same thing at the same period in time (i.e. I've never “played the field”)

97. I truly believe that there is nothing more hurtful than misunderstanding and rumors amongst friends

98. Kathy (Brown) Gounaud is the one girl (female) friend that I know with 100% certainty would/will always talk straight to me - about me, God, or anything else ... and I have never come so close to peeing myself as I have when laughing with her

99. I miss Tennessee - it will always be home to me

100. I hate cliches... but God isn't finished with me yet

Politics and Veterinary Science

Butch the rooster

John was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers (hens), called 'pullets,' and ten roosters to fertilize the eggs.

He kept records, and any rooster not performing went into the soup pot and was replaced. This took a lot of time, so he bought some tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone, so he could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now, he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report by just listening to the bells.

John's favorite rooster, old Butch, was a very fine specimen, but this morning he noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! When he went to investigate, he saw the other roosters were busy chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing, but the pullets, hearing the roosters coming, could run for cover.

To John's amazement, old Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring.. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.

John was so proud of old Butch, he entered him in the Renfrew County Fair and he became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was the judges not only awarded old Butch the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pullet Surprise as well.

Clearly old Butch was a politician in the making. Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying
attention.

Vote carefully this year...the bells are not always audible...

Moooooose!!

Hey everyone!!

I think my Facebook status post sorta freaked everyone out so I thought I'd better let everyone know what REALLY happened.

It was a dark and stormy night...

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times...

So many of you heard about my extraordinarily eventful first week as owner of the Whitefield Animal Hospital: pipes freezing, bursting, and flooding my hospital ward among other things - and after a couple of bizarre appointments, including a rather portly ShihTzu (who honestly reminded me of a certain character from Austin Powers who shall remain nameless) keeling over on me during, of all things, a NAIL TRIM - we THOUGHT we were settled into a bit of a rhythm. Considering the time of year which is painfully slow in the veterinary business in the north country due to a little thing we New Englanders like to call WINTER, our business had actually been thriving in the first several days of operation.

While driving over Route 142 between work and my home in Bethlehem, New Hampshire I came over a rise in the pitch dark of night...

And waltzing out into the road looking like a small Volkswagen on stilts was a moose heifer. In about 3 and 6 tenths of a second the following scene unfolded:

1. Vet's eyes dilate
2. Moose eyes dilate
3. Brakes slamming
4. Moose jamming
5. Moose slamming
6. Moose on the loose
7. Moose flops like a goose
8. Moose flat as a caboose's caboose
9. Truck bumps
10. Truck jumps
11. Truck goes push
12. Moose goes smoosh
13. Truck halts

I whipped that puppy around on a dime and thankfully the poor critter took two big breaths and passed away...

Truck lost some cosmetic and detail cover pieces, a fog lamp, and the driver's seat remained unsoiled.

And dang don't that moose meat taste good!!!

Later all!!

P.S. That's my buddy Jud who came over to help skin the poor girl
P.P.S. No - that leg shouldn't look that way... trucks usually win those battles
P.P.P.S. Yes - the moose it bigger than it looks (they always are!)

The Bumper Stickey Finals!!

Ok folks - after a LONG absence, during which I am sure that 83.3% of my loyal readers (all 6 of them) have dissipated to MUCH more fruitful pastures, I have resurrected the Bumper Sticker Hurt and Heal Contest.

Here are the rules:

1. Read the submissions listed below (can't vote if you can't read! aw... discrimination!)
2. Each submission starts the contest with 10 points
3. You may spend 3 points total in voting PER DAY under the following rules:
a. you may vote to "Hurt" or take points away from a submission's total (3 max per day)
b. you may vote to "Heal" or add points to a submission's total (3 max per day)
c. you may vote a combination of Hurt and Heal to help a submission and hurt another (3 points total per day)
4. The submissions will eventually be eliminated one by one - all results determined by ME.
5. Vote by using the bumper stickers' nickname that is in parentheses following each submission.
5. I will update the standings on every day that voting takes place and will give credit to those of you who are responsible for "Killing" each submission.
6. If there have been no kills for 3 days - all submissions in the lower half of the standings will automatically be HURT be 3 points, and all of those in the upper half will be HURT by a single point (yes, the old "even that which you have will be taken away" deal)

Good luck and have fun! Here are the bumper stickers that made the final cut (in no particular order):

1. Save a cow, eat a vegetarian (Cannibal) - 10
2. Gun control is hitting your target (Crosshair) - 10
3. Born to squeeze a trigger (NRA) - 10
4. Drive it like you stole it (Grand Theft Auto) - 10
5. If you can read this, I'm not impressed. Most people can read. (Too Close) - 10
6. Has the Wizard gotten back to you on that brain? (Oz) - 10
7. I've childproofed my house, but they keep finding their way in! (ADHD) - 10
8. Visualize Whirled Peas (Peace) - 10
9. My lab is smarter than your honor student (BlockHead) - 10
10. Put down the cell phone. It might help you lose some of that weight (StayPuff) - 10
11. Sometown, Alaska - a small drinking village with a fishing problem (Lager) - 10
12. Yes this is my pickup truck, No I can't help you move (UHaul) - 10
13. Tailgate me and I will flick a booger on your windshield (Pinocchio) - 10
14. Never Argue With An Idiot. They Will Drag You Down To Their Level, Then Beat You With Experience. (Billary) - 10
15. My other car is a broom (Reno) - 10
16. If I HAD another car, I'd be driving it instead of talking about it on my trunk (Genius) - 10
17. If God isn't a Tennessee fan, why are sunsets orange and white? (GOVOLS) - 15
18. If you hit me, I will have a sore neck (SueU) - 10
19. Friends don't let friends drive blue tractors (Deere) - 10
20. Bumper stickers - the only legitimate excuse to look at someone's backside (Yazz) - 10
21. Nuke the gay whales for Jesus (Confused) - 10
22. Welfare is for those who don't want to work. Disability is for Welfarees who are good at pretending (Truth) - 10
23. My taxes pay for your Welfare (IRS) - 10
24. Dog is my co-pilot (Lassie) - 10
25. Visualize using your turn signal (RoadHog) - 10
26. I am the Player To Be Named Later (WaterBoy) - 10
27. I AM in shape. Round IS a shape! (ManRules) - 10
28. Warning: In case of rapture this car will be unmanned (Zoom) - 10
29. 4 out of 3 people have trouble with fractions (Numbers) - 10
30. Keep honking - I'm reloading (RoadRage) - 10
31. Ever stop to think... and forget to start again? (Blondie) - 10
32. Driver carries no cash - he's married (Anonymous) - 10
33. Few women admit their age - fewer men act it (Venus) - 10
34. Always remember you're unique - just like everybody else (Uniquity) - 10
35. Buckle Up - It makes it harder for the aliens to suck you out of your seat (Aliens) - 10